Release destructive emotions

 

Listen to Your Children with Open Ears and a Mostly Shut Mouth

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“If I can keep still and listen to my sixteen year old, I’ll be the first parent on the block to know what’s going on with this alien teen nation by tuning into my inner trend meter! – Anonymous

Be there fully when your child talks to you. So, even if you are facing a hundred shades of hostility during those Years of Unbearable Kid Tension, take time to stop and listen. Listen from your heart. Don’t be a halfway listener. Don’t tune out when your children talk or start doing something else. I notice that my children would sometimes choose my most incontinent time to talk to me about something trivial which then might turn into something important. It’s like they had to test me to see if I were really listening before they would unburden their heart.

listening to your child, listen, intentioanl diologue, getting the love

You can increase closeness with your child if you really hear what he says. Your listening helps him feel understood and breaks into the loneliness that young people get into.

You can increase closeness with your child if you really hear what he says. Your listening helps him feel understood and breaks into the loneliness that young people get into. Reflecting back the content of his message and getting to the real meaning without becoming defensive is one of the highest-level skills you can achieve! Put your own feelings on hold for a few minutes to totally listen. If you have a youngster who withholds information about his life, learn ways to get him to open up.

Just keep remembering as you listen – “This is not about me being the parent who must discipline. Discipline will come later. This is not about explaining things to him or punishing him. This is only about listening so he can express his feelings. This is seeing it from my child’s point of view! This is my trying to understand my child’s feelings, so he can get them out.” No shoulds. No problem solving. This is total unconditional – “I’ll be there for you!” Science fiction writers Arthur C. Clarke and Stephen Baxter tell it well: “What we need is a machine that will let us see the other guy’s point of view.” We don’t have such a machine, but we do have a fantastic technique.

Listen for information about what is really going on in your child’s world. Let your child be the expert and teach you about teen culture, about drugs, alcohol and sex. Active listening is a skill that is necessary for relationships. Feeling understood in this world of confusion and chaos allows the young person to risk opening up more.

So talk with your children about risky behaviors. Two talks with teens leads to less marijuana use for at least a year, a recent study found. A brief, voluntary conversation with an adult led to up to a 20 percent decrease in marijuana use for teenagers who frequently used the drug. And then listen to learn!

Harville Hendrix gives a formula that encourages active listening, called Intentional Dialogue. This approach keeps the person who is hurt or upset talking to get down to the bottom line feeling and express their deepest pain. Hendrix’s book, “Getting the Love You Want, A Guide for Couples,” offers great tools for understanding family dynamics. Read this fine book for your own growth, improving communication in your marriage and with your children. Many people choose to do the exercises together from the book to strengthen their relationship.

You know you need the Intentional Dialogue Technique if you are having free-for-alls if you and your child yell a lot or don’t communicate at all. Hendrix has authored two books for parents along with his wife Helen Hunt which are Getting the Love that Heals: a Guide for Parents and The Parent’s Companion: Meditations and Exercises for Giving the Love that Heals.

Another good book on supporting your teen and getting them to open up to you is How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This small book is written in cartoon style so will be an easy read for you.

Button your lips on your own anger when attempting to listen to your youngster! You have to resist any need to lecture or teach when your child is talking about something that is upsetting to him. Not responding in anger yourself or setting him straight is tough.

Intentional Dialogue works. It can defuse the hurt and disappointment under the outburst. Three simple steps will make your child feel really heard and validated.  Keep your focus on the three steps rather than moralizing at this point. (You will get to make your own point across later.) First just help your child talk his issue of feeling misunderstood through to get to the bottom line feelings. Doing an Intentional Dialogue when your child is upset is going into the eye of the storm.

Check out the books mentioned in this article through these links:

Getting the Love You Want, A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix

Getting the Love that Heals: a Guide for Parents by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt

The Parent’s Companion: Meditations and Exercises for Giving the Love that Heal by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt

How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish



 The Perfect Gift for Children in Your Life

anger management

 The Mad Family Get Their Mads Out 

Available in ebook or paperback


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