Release destructive emotions

 

Chill Out Helper Words

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-14

“So think as if your every thought were to be etched in fire upon the sky for all and everything to see. For so, in truth, it is. So speak as if the world entire were but a single ear intent upon hearing what you say. For so, in truth, it is.So do as if your every deed were to recoil upon your head. For so, in truth, it is. So wish as if you were the truth. And so, in truth, you are.” – Mikhail Nimay,  Book of Mirdad

Listen to yourself, your spouse and other members of your household. What is the quality of the ways you speak to each other? If there are sharp tongues, sarcasm and loud tones in your household, your child will use the same kind of talk. Children act out what they hear in the home. You can’t expect your child to be loving if you or someone else in your home is critical and rude. If you or someone else in the family is constantly irritable or angry, then take responsibility for it and get some professional help. Parent to child anger and vice versa gets worse during the teen years. Yeah, if it is broke, fix it.

chill out helper words, sarcasm, express anger, cool down techniques

If you want to have a peaceful household, it is absolutely imperative that family members learn some cool down techniques to deal with anger.

If you want to have a peaceful household, it is absolutely imperative that family members learn some cool down techniques to deal with anger. Talk to your family about stopping the sharp tongues and sarcasm. Tell them you are starting a new family tradition of learning to express anger in safe, appropriate ways.

Learn to bite your tongue and fire up your Inner Censor when you are having a “Teen Intensive Day.” Stop yourself from blurting out whatever comes to your mind. Do some isolation yourself to get away when it becomes too challenging. Teach your child Chill Out Words Helper Words by modeling them yourself when you are upset.

  • I can handle this. I tell myself to calm down.
  • I remind myself to breathe deeply and cool down.
  • I’ll take a moment to chill. I’ll turn my hot thoughts down.
  • I’d better take a time out and go somewhere to reflect on this.
  • My bad feelings come and go. I can let them go if I share them.
  • It is okay to be angry. I can talk about my anger.

Keep telling your child that they are responsible for how they think. They can learn and use more productive ways of thinking that will empower them. Your own use use of cool-down words when you are upset gives your child positive messages to carry around when you are not present. You model the very behavior that you want from your child. The small amount of time that you spend in teaching your child chill down statements will save you from time spent on reprimands.

Speak with love when you discipline your children. More parenting information is available at www.angriesout.com. Learn more about helping your child with angry feelings from my article A Letter to Parents of Children with Problems of Anger.

The No Sweat, Low Key, Leave a Child Feeling Good Method of Discipline

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“Children need love even when they don’t deserve it!” – Anonymous parent (In truth, we all deserve love, even if we made a mistake.)

Business management experts, Kenneth Blanchard and Spencer Johnson in The One Minute Mother and The One Minute Father give a great parenting technique which is a take off from their business model of managing people. Their reprimand process helps YOU break into your mean-spirited anger and lengthy tirades. This one-minute approach puts a time limit on your own anger outburst and encourages your child to do better next time. It bypasses blame and punishment, which do not work to change behavior, and leaves your child thinking. Thinking about what he or she did wrong and how to correct it, instead of becoming angry! The One Minute Reprimand builds self-esteem in your child while you are correcting him. What a novel idea!

one minute reprimand, method of displine, parenting technique

The One Minute Reprimand holds you to a one-minute correction procedure and gives the child a compliment so that he does not tune out. Brilliant!

Limiting your anger by using this technique will help you break into the most breakdowns in parent/child relationships–parent deafness! Kids learn to shut out long lecturing parents! Shutting out what we do not want to hear is normal human behavior. The One Minute Reprimand holds you to a one-minute correction procedure and gives the child a compliment so that he does not tune out. Brilliant! Get one of these books immediately and commit this technique to memory!

The One-Minute Reprimand (My slightly modified version of the Blanchard and Johnson technique)

  1. Tell your child beforehand that you are going to let him know how he is to do in no uncertain terms.
  2. Reprimand your child immediately. Tell him specifically what he did wrong in one sentence.
  3. Tell him how disappointed, upset, sad, frustrated, angry you are.
  4. Stop and let it sink in. Allow a half moment of uncomfortable silence where he gets how you feel. If he starts to get defensive or angry, say, “Hold on. I’m not finished yet.”
  5. Reach out to your child physically in a friendly manner. Shake hands, pat him on the back, or touch him in a way that lets him know that you are on his side despite your upset feelings at his behavior.
  6. Remind him how much you value him, what a cool person he is, etc.
  7. Reaffirm that you think well of him, but not his behavior. (You area a great kid who messed up!)
  8. Remind him that you realize he will make a better choice next time.
  9. Let it go. No lectures. No more. Just stop. Realize when the reprimand is over, it’s over. End the correction with a positive! Change the subject. Give a smile, a hug or an acknowledgement. Leave the room with him scratching his head wondering where his formerly acting out parent had gone. End the talk with you believing in your child and his ability to make good choices. (Smiling, not moralizing.)

Get your own copy of The One Minute Mother and The One Minute Father Kenneth Blanchard and Spencer Johnson. These small books are invaluable for your parenting library. They can be found online at most bookstores that feature used books at a small price.

So You Have a Low-Frustration Tolerance, Demanding Child?

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“You don’t always get what you want. You don’t always get what you want … You get what you need.” – Line from a Rolling Stones song

Children and their feelings and their tempers! Do you have a kid who is super sensitive who blows up every time you say “no”, which is numerous times a day because he constantly asks for ridiculous things. Welcome to the teen years! If you have more than one offspring, chances are one child will have the mindset of gimme gimme. The children that learn to beg successfully and wear their parents down grow up to be telemarketers.

demanding child

Do you have a demanding child who is super sensitive who blows up every time you say NO. You need a different set of parenting skills to deal with this challenging type of youngster.

You need a different set of parenting skills to deal with this challenging type of youngster. So here is the basic philosophy that could come from your mouth to teach your demanding child about the realities of the cold, hard world.

“How happy you are is related to how you think about things. Life is a series of decisions that are based on your goals. You could have a goal to get a new “whatever.” You could put your energy in demanding you get it. Perhaps you do. Are you any happier or is that material goal just replaced by a new demand – you expect a new “whatever.” An important goal is to get a better life for yourself. Focus on what works that you can control to get this happy life.

So, darling child of mine, here it is in a nutshell: Sometimes you can get what you want. Sometimes you don’t. Tough beans. That’s life. If you interpret things more realistically, you will be more likely to get what is important to you. Behavior is a product of thinking! How you think determines how you react. See things how they are instead of insisting your expectations be met on how you want them to be. Learn this well and you will save yourself a lot of grief.

Often the failure to get what you want is a result of unrealistic expectations and faulty thinking. Thoughts mess you up! Thoughts go into feelings, which then go into actions. Sometimes you distort your perceptions and make assumptions that are not really true. Assumptions are merely speculations you make up in your mind. Here is a newsflash! Modify your thinking and you will feel and act differently.

Analyze the situation. What did you want to have happen? Is it a realistic outcome given the other person’s point of view? Is it an attainable outcome given the other person’s wants and needs? Why should you get what you are demanding?

Ask, “What are you choosing to do to make what you want happen?

How could you have acted to make your desired outcome more likely?

Is what you are doing helping or hurting your chances of getting what you want?

Have your unrealistic expectations hijacked your common sense?

At times, the failure to get what you want is based on your misperceptions and expectations of other people. You look through dark sunglasses and distort what is really there.

What happened?

Did you get what you wanted?

What did you do?

What happened then? Evaluate your thinking and your actions. Did you get what you wanted?

Did your actions get you closer to your goal?

Did your thinking get you what you wanted?

Did your interpretations and expectations help you get to where you want to go?

Did your anger or victim thoughts take you off course from your goal?

Let’s make a plan. How could you think differently so that you could be happier with yourself?

Are you willing to make a commitment to yourself to act in ways that are in your best interests?”

After finishing this list, reach out and hug your child. The sense of touch is so important to a child in their feeling like they truly belong to the family. Being touched through gentle pats, hugs, high fives and smile give children a sense of security. So, as the song says, “Reach out and touch someone.”

We all need a little TLC. Reach out with love to show your child that your love is SO BIG!

Read Aw, Man! Why Can’t I Have What I Want? The High-Demand Child and Children of Entitlement at my website at www.angriesout.com.

Putting up Barriers Between You and Your Child By Over Parenting

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“You can’t scare us. We have kids!” – As seen on a plaque in a thrift store

Don’t over parent! There are some things that you can do too much of that will have a bad effect of your children. There are parent behaviors that WILL shut your child down and make him inaccessible for your input. When parents jump in and give their child solutions or lecture him, the child feels like he is not smart enough to figure things out on his own. In addition, when the parents put the child down through name-calling, criticizing and shaming, the child feels that there is something flawed about himself. You can put up walls, which destroy the opportunity for your wise guidance if you play the expert while talking to him.

over parenting, barriers, judgements

Over parenting by judging, moralizing, preaching, lecturing, ordering, directing and commanding or demanding makes the child feel stupid and unable to solve his own problems. He then becomes insecure and does not trust his own decision making process.

Over parenting by judging, moralizing, preaching, lecturing, ordering, directing and commanding or demanding makes the child feel stupid and unable to solve his own problems. He then becomes insecure and does not trust his own decision making process. Your overbearing judgments set up the scene where the child makes poor choices.

Don’t be a fear-based parent communicating that fear to your child by trying to control him to keep him safe. Vent your fears, worst-case scenarios and anxieties for your child’s safety elsewhere, keeping your negativity and barriers away from your child. Talk to a trusted friend, someone in authority or a counselor. One mother who was deathly afraid of the water, wisely kept her fear to herself and enrolled her children in swimming lessons. Learn stress management skills to deal with your own anxieties about the worst fear that you have about your child.

Sex, drugs and out-of-control behavior that endangers your child’s life are a possibility during the teen years. Parents of teenagers have realistic fears. They also can take on some irrational fears. Talk to other parents to determine if your fears are based on reality or just come from that big dark hole of fear in yourself.  Band together and find out what particular dangers the local peer culture presents. Then get a plan of how to deal with them.

Are you running on fear instead of running on faith? Most parent fears come out during anger at their child, making him feel controlled. Over parenting or making negative judgments about his decisions and criticizing your child’s choices will create insecurity in him. Arguing and disagreeing will only entrench your child in his way of thinking. Instead, ask your child to give the pros and cons of his choices and discuss the rationale behind each.

Without your feedback as to the reality of his perceptions and assumptions about the unfairness of the world, his distortions will continue. His confusion and sense of hopelessness will increase, resulting in more anger. This is a major teaching time for your child. Keep the lines of communication open and be aware of when you start over parenting. Keep the positive feedback going while challenging errors of thinking flowing. The thing to treasure above all else is positive communication that emphasizes connection and belonging.

More discipline techniques are given at my www.angriesout.com web site. My hobby is bringing the best parenting advice from the world of psychology and infusing it with my good common sense. Here are several articles you can search for:

 * Parents Get Mad Too!
* Things For Parents To Say To Ward Off A Child’s Mad Attack

* Turning It Around: What To Say To A Child Who Hurts Others

* Correcting a Child In a Positive Way: Cues To Break Into Inappropriate Behavior

Help Your Child Move through the Bad Feelings

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“We are as happy as we are able to be responsible for our own feelings and behavior. The superior man or woman is always open to the possibility that there may be another reality other than the one seen through the lens of their life.” – Lynne Namka, Your Quick Anger Makeover Plus Twenty Other Cutting-Edge Techniques to Release Anger!

feelings child anger

Emotions rule! One of the best things we can teach our children is how to work effectively with their feelings. Show them it is their choice to own their feeling and give it a name, instead of ignoring, repressing, judging it or blaming someone else.

1. Identify the angry feeling, which is on top. Give the feeling a name. Say, “I’m angry.”

2. Allow yourself to actually feel the feeling. Stay with it. Don’t rationalize it away.

3. Own the feeling. Be responsible for it.

4. Accept the feeling. Do not judge it or make yourself bad for having it. Say, “I’m feeling angry. I’m mad that I did not get what I wanted.” Do not blame others. Stick with your own feelings. The only person we can change is our self – to dwell on how others do not meet our needs keeps you in anger or depression.

5. Observe the uncomfortable feeling. Just watch it. Spy on it like you are a detective. Feelings come and go. Feelings are meant to be felt. That is why they are called feelings. It will pass if you just watch it.

6. Breathe into your feeling. They are just feelings to be tapped and breathed away! Tap all over your body while you have distressing feelings and breathe deeply. Start between your eyebrows, outside your eyes, on your cheekbones and above and below your lips. Then go to your collarbones and tap across and down your body, then up and down your arms and legs. Go around your wrists and ankles. Chances are you might shift your feeling through this tapping.

Emotions rule! One of the best things we can teach our children is how to work effectively with their feelings. My book, Your Quick Anger Makeover Plus Twenty Other Cutting-Edge Techniques to Release Anger!gives many exercises to identify and release unwanted feelings. In the book I say, “Make a rule for yourself: “If I feel it, I own it. I choose to get honest with myself. I can work this out or I can act it out. If I spot it, I got it! I’ll stay with it and breathe into it.” Move your attention to the meaning that your feeling of anger has. It may signal a boundary you need to set or hide a personal limitation regarding your self-esteem that you have and can’t look at. Listen to what your anger has to say.”

Being responsible for your feelings gives you the freedom to deal with them. Your choice to own your feeling, and give it a name instead of ignoring, repressing, judging it or blaming someone else gives you the power. You are in charge of your feelings, instead of your feelings being in control of you!

Keep reminding your child and teens that we are as mature as we are able to take responsibility for our own thoughts, words and actions: Say out loud for your child, “What is your part in setting this situation up? Remember behavior is a product of how you think. What can you learn about yourself so you don’t repeat this mistake?”

Sign up to Time To Love Yourself to receive your free eBook, “Your Quick Anger Makeover” by feelings expert, Lynne Namka. Packed with the newest ideas about how to understand and liberate anger and other unwanted, raw emotions, this ebook is a practical, light-hearted guide to take you through your wildest and woolliest feelings. Perfect for every family. 240 pages, a $19.95 value. Don’t miss this great opportunity! Sign up today in the top, right column of this page or at www.facebook.com/timetoloveyourself by clicking the “Free eBook Tab”.

Love Signs – Putting Love into It

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong but rejoices in the right.” – 1stCorinthians 13: 5, 6

In general, people treat you the way you teach them to treat you. Especially teenagers. Like a nasty virus, you have to combat negativity that creeps into your home via those you love most dear in the world. So reestablish your Parent Power. You are in charge as long as you pay the bills in the household. You have the right to establish a set of guidelines for your family to make your home a place where people are safe with each other

So, let’s get some guidelines clear. It is appropriate for you to ask your child to stop speaking with disrespect to you and other family members. It is part of your teaching him to be a functioning human being to by giving guidelines on how to be respectful to others. It is okay for you to confront inappropriate verbal behavior. Inappropriate behaviors are those actions that the world in general will not tolerate and that will keep the child from living a happy life. The major question to ask is “Will the world in general put up with this attitude and behavior?”

Set some enforceable house rules that you call the “Respect Rules” such as “We are a family. In our family, we talk to each other with respect”, “We keep our voices civil,” and “Cussing is not allowed in our family. We are considerate of each other in our home. Yelling will not get you what you want.” And of course, the ever-popular, “No Sniveling.”

love respect positive communication

Set some enforceable house rules that you call the “Respect Rules” such as “We are a family. In our family, we talk to each other with respect”, “We keep our voices civil,” and “Cussing is not allowed in our family. We are considerate of each other in our home. Yelling will not get you what you want.”

Ask your child to agree that everyone will be happier in the family if the Rules of Respect are practiced. If you can swing it, get him to sign his name agreeing to be considerate and go along with the rules on a contract. Everyone in the family should sign their name to the contract. Yes, he may do it grudgingly, but get him to agree so that forever you can say, “But you agreed to these rules” to nip future grousing in the bud.

Give up your parental t-shirt that says “Born to Nag.” Let the family rules be the bad guy not you. Nix the stupid comments you learned from your own parents. Note your own habits of language that tune your youngster out. Some of the things that parents say to try to change the kid factor lose their effectiveness after they have been repeated over and over. Kids tune out to the familiar. They tune into the novel and different.

What do you say that makes that your child to roll his or her eyes and say, “Oh, Mom!” File these comments that distance that put distance between you and your child in the Moron Mom Folder or the Dumb Dad Folder – You are grounded for the entire month. How many times do I have to tell you? Will you ever grow up? If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. (Why tell again? Save your breath.)

Post the rules on that most popular spot in the house – the refrigerator. Post signs saying, “Dripping Sarcasm is Not Allowed.” and “This is an Attitude-Free Zone.” Put your list of “Our Family Rules of Respect” on the refrigerator under the heading “Give Your Attitude some Altitude.”  If you should stumble on some moments of family cooperation (on a good day for your kids), make these signs together so there will be more ownership of the rules.

Then when your child gets snippy, point to a posted rule. Ask, “What is our rule about that?” The rule becomes the “bad guy,” not you as the parent. Remind them they agreed to the rules and you will hold them to their word. Of course, your child can point to the rules when you get out of line and break the rules yourself. This is only fair. It will be a reality check on you to see if you have an attitude problem.

The message to continually give to your youngster is that families who want to be happy have family members who do not disrespect each other. Tell them in many different ways, “Do not dis me. I won’t allow it. And I won’t disrespect you either. This is our no Dis Contract.”

Keep reminding your children “We are a family that supports each other. Kindness spoken here! We cherish each other.” Cherishing pays off across a lifetime of raising your children.

Check out www.TimeToLoveYourself.com for more articles from Lynne Namka to help smooth your family’s relationships.

Invest in the New Cool-Yourself-Down Techniques

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13  

“The Energy Psychology techniques release feelings through the use of touch, tapping or eye movements to balance the body shift the meaning of a bad experience. The energy techniques help the mind and body return to the state of homeostasis after feeling stressed or threatened.” – Lynne Namka

Self-soothing is an important skill in learning to work with the stressors that children and we all feel. We all need techniques of self-soothing. One of the most important things you can learn to bring harmony to your home is to teach your children how to calm their central nervous systems by self-soothing. Another important thing is for you to learn the new Energy Psychology techniques. They are quick and easy to learn and use to release feelings and get back to your calm, loving self. You can learn these innovative approaches yourself and then teach them to your children. Your household will be much calmer if each person is made responsible for taking care of their own disconcerting and unruly feelings!

calming techniques, self-soothing, eft, emdr, breathing, minfullness, mediation, Tapas Acupressure Technique

One of the most important things you can learn to bring harmony to your home is to teach your children how to calm their central nervous systems by self-soothing. Give EFT, EMDR, breathing and meditation a try.

The Emotional Freedom Technique

Acupressure by tapping or rubbing your body is a form of self massage that feels good. Tapping briskly on your body when you are upset gets your energy moving and helps you relax. The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) combines acupressure with counteracting negative thoughts, owning the problem and forgiving yourself. EFT helps calm down the fight or flight response by balancing your brain hemispheres. It helps desensitize triggers that make you angry or frightened and helps release strong emotions, negative thoughts and anxiety. There are many web sites that feature EFT. Try Googling “the tapping technique.”

Deep Breathing

When you are scared, you probably contract your body and hold your breath to try to squish the feelings in order to keep from feeling bad. Pulling your body in tight and stopping your breath keeps you from getting good oxygen to deal with whatever upsets you. Breathing helps calm the fight, flight or freeze reaction that you can go into when stressed. Deep breathing helps bring you back to where you can think more clearly and reason. Any time you have a family crisis moment, tell your children to stop and have a deep breathing time so you can problem solve together.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a technique for releasing old trauma and negative beliefs. This tool helps release stressful and uncomfortable emotions stored away in the body and mind. EMDR is helpful in releasing uncomfortable memories of being criticized, embarrassed and shamed by others as well as being unmotivated or stuck on certain emotionally stressful issues. Through the eyes shifting back and forth while focusing on a problem, feeling or inner body states, old repressed feelings come to the surface and are released. If you feel overwhelmed and anxious much of the time or have unresolved trauma in your past, find a therapist who can do this fantastic stress management technique with you.

Mindfulness and Meditation

Mindfulness is keeping your attention on what is happening in the moment. You just watch how you inhale and exhale and observe the thoughts as they come and go. You calm yourself by focusing on your breath until the negative emotion leaves. Just watch the events and emotions as they come up instead of reacting to them. The focus shifts to just being the neutral observer of the events. Stop the knee-jerk reactions and keep your mind in neutral!

The Tapas Acupressure Technique

The Tapas Acupressure Technique (TAT) is a simple method that helps people get in touch with and release information about what is bothering them by holding certain points on the forehead and back of the neck with their fingers while focusing on an issue. With this technique, the front and back of the brain are connected and brain rhythms become more balanced as you go through steps to release your issue.

It’s a Tough World Out There. Make it less Tough on Yourself!

Stop and ponder on these two questions: Who would you be now if you had learned how to handle destructive arousal when you were young? How would your life be different if you had learned to read other people and their agendas early in life?  With sufficient practice and determination, you can learn to modulate your emotions. It’s not enough to know these techniques—you have to do them continually to make them an instinctive habit instead of going into flooding and stupid behavior! Practice makes permanent!

Learning to deal effectively with your feelings is a life-long process. Using these techniques daily to reduce the arousal that comes up when you are upset helps you grow emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. You are as mature as you are able to take responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings and behavior! As I tell myself, “What better thing do I have to do with my life than do what it takes to become the best person that I can be?”

Lynne Namka, Ed. D. is a mom, grandma and a psychologist in private practice in Tucson, AZ. She is the author of The Doormat Syndrome, The Quick Anger Make Over plus Twenty Cutting Edge Techniques to Release Anger and Teaching Emotional Intelligence to Children and other books. Her award winning web site is at www.AngriesOut.com.



 The Perfect Gift for Children in Your Life

anger management

 The Mad Family Get Their Mads Out 

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