Release destructive emotions

 

Putting up Barriers Between You and Your Child By Over Parenting

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“You can’t scare us. We have kids!” – As seen on a plaque in a thrift store

Don’t over parent! There are some things that you can do too much of that will have a bad effect of your children. There are parent behaviors that WILL shut your child down and make him inaccessible for your input. When parents jump in and give their child solutions or lecture him, the child feels like he is not smart enough to figure things out on his own. In addition, when the parents put the child down through name-calling, criticizing and shaming, the child feels that there is something flawed about himself. You can put up walls, which destroy the opportunity for your wise guidance if you play the expert while talking to him.

over parenting, barriers, judgements

Over parenting by judging, moralizing, preaching, lecturing, ordering, directing and commanding or demanding makes the child feel stupid and unable to solve his own problems. He then becomes insecure and does not trust his own decision making process.

Over parenting by judging, moralizing, preaching, lecturing, ordering, directing and commanding or demanding makes the child feel stupid and unable to solve his own problems. He then becomes insecure and does not trust his own decision making process. Your overbearing judgments set up the scene where the child makes poor choices.

Don’t be a fear-based parent communicating that fear to your child by trying to control him to keep him safe. Vent your fears, worst-case scenarios and anxieties for your child’s safety elsewhere, keeping your negativity and barriers away from your child. Talk to a trusted friend, someone in authority or a counselor. One mother who was deathly afraid of the water, wisely kept her fear to herself and enrolled her children in swimming lessons. Learn stress management skills to deal with your own anxieties about the worst fear that you have about your child.

Sex, drugs and out-of-control behavior that endangers your child’s life are a possibility during the teen years. Parents of teenagers have realistic fears. They also can take on some irrational fears. Talk to other parents to determine if your fears are based on reality or just come from that big dark hole of fear in yourself.  Band together and find out what particular dangers the local peer culture presents. Then get a plan of how to deal with them.

Are you running on fear instead of running on faith? Most parent fears come out during anger at their child, making him feel controlled. Over parenting or making negative judgments about his decisions and criticizing your child’s choices will create insecurity in him. Arguing and disagreeing will only entrench your child in his way of thinking. Instead, ask your child to give the pros and cons of his choices and discuss the rationale behind each.

Without your feedback as to the reality of his perceptions and assumptions about the unfairness of the world, his distortions will continue. His confusion and sense of hopelessness will increase, resulting in more anger. This is a major teaching time for your child. Keep the lines of communication open and be aware of when you start over parenting. Keep the positive feedback going while challenging errors of thinking flowing. The thing to treasure above all else is positive communication that emphasizes connection and belonging.

More discipline techniques are given at my www.angriesout.com web site. My hobby is bringing the best parenting advice from the world of psychology and infusing it with my good common sense. Here are several articles you can search for:

 * Parents Get Mad Too!
* Things For Parents To Say To Ward Off A Child’s Mad Attack

* Turning It Around: What To Say To A Child Who Hurts Others

* Correcting a Child In a Positive Way: Cues To Break Into Inappropriate Behavior

Feeling Too Much: The Opposite Side of the Emotional Coin

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“Parents who try to own all of their child’s problems are in for a life of grief. When you protect the child from the consequences of their behavior, you are preventing them from learning.” – Robert and Jean Bayard

Some boys and girls do just the opposite of shutting their emotions down. They wear their feelings on their sleeves and announce them dramatically to the world! They blurt out their feelings to anyone near and think that others are completely interested in how they feel. They are too much in touch with their feelings and spew them out all over. Everything becomes a crisis or a drama they can’t handle on their own.

These high-drama young people are more sensitive than the repressor types and have an excess of emotions that they cannot tolerate. They handle their anxiety by endlessly talking about situations with great excitement expecting others to be interested in every detail of their life. They are more of the whiners, the hysterics and the drama queens and kings who fall apart at every little crisis. They may turn to mom and dad to get them to problem solve the small ups and downs of life. They can become dependent on parents as human pacificers to help them calm down. By getting external help, they drain them off on others but never learn to deal with excessive their feelings themselves. “You must fix it for me” becomes their mantra but if you give in to this error in thinking, they will never learn to fix it themselves.

emotions drama affect regulation

These high drama children are more sensitive and have an excess of emotions and feelings that they cannot tolerate. They handle their anxiety by endlessly talking about situations with great excitement. Children can be taught affect regulation is the ability to calm themselves when distressed, overloaded and triggered.

The New Buzz Words in Psychology are “Affect Regulation”

The skill needed for young people who are too much in touch with their feelings and want everyone else to be also is to learn to calm themselves. Learning to modulate the emotions and deal with situations in a practical manner is the goal here.

The new concepts in psychology are affect regulation and modulate the emotions. The word affect is just a fancy way of saying feelings and regulation means learning ways to work with the emotions. People who have excesses of anger, fear, guilt, jealously or terror have not learned the skills of regulating their emotions. Excessive emotions are the result of a disorganized internal state which requires some skills of self-soothing. This is where knowing how to do many different forms of stress management becomes a big plus.

John Briere, a psychologist and professor who teaches medical students, reviewed a hundred research studies and concluded that there are necessary skills that people with high emotional distress can learn to gain a functional life. He counsels that everyone learn self-regulation skills that you can learn to act morally and responsibly:

Children can be taught affect regulation is the ability to calm themselves when distressed, overloaded and triggered. This skill requires that you notice you are upset and make a conscious decision to use a stress-management technique to quiet your emotions. Self-talk and self-soothe when stressed! And breathe deeply. Dealing with upsetting emotions are the skills of tolerating feelings and self-soothing when we feel tense.

Want to learn more about regulating your feelings? Part of this article is taken from my book, Your Quick Anger Makeover Plus Twenty Other Cutting-Edge Techniques to Release Anger, which teaches many tools and techniques to calm and release pesky emotions. We are giving away free copies of Your Quick Anger Makeover when you sign up for our newsletters. Get your copy today at www.timetoloveyourself.com!



 The Perfect Gift for Children in Your Life

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 The Mad Family Get Their Mads Out 

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