Release destructive emotions

 

Chill Out Helper Words

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-14

“So think as if your every thought were to be etched in fire upon the sky for all and everything to see. For so, in truth, it is. So speak as if the world entire were but a single ear intent upon hearing what you say. For so, in truth, it is.So do as if your every deed were to recoil upon your head. For so, in truth, it is. So wish as if you were the truth. And so, in truth, you are.” – Mikhail Nimay,  Book of Mirdad

Listen to yourself, your spouse and other members of your household. What is the quality of the ways you speak to each other? If there are sharp tongues, sarcasm and loud tones in your household, your child will use the same kind of talk. Children act out what they hear in the home. You can’t expect your child to be loving if you or someone else in your home is critical and rude. If you or someone else in the family is constantly irritable or angry, then take responsibility for it and get some professional help. Parent to child anger and vice versa gets worse during the teen years. Yeah, if it is broke, fix it.

chill out helper words, sarcasm, express anger, cool down techniques

If you want to have a peaceful household, it is absolutely imperative that family members learn some cool down techniques to deal with anger.

If you want to have a peaceful household, it is absolutely imperative that family members learn some cool down techniques to deal with anger. Talk to your family about stopping the sharp tongues and sarcasm. Tell them you are starting a new family tradition of learning to express anger in safe, appropriate ways.

Learn to bite your tongue and fire up your Inner Censor when you are having a “Teen Intensive Day.” Stop yourself from blurting out whatever comes to your mind. Do some isolation yourself to get away when it becomes too challenging. Teach your child Chill Out Words Helper Words by modeling them yourself when you are upset.

  • I can handle this. I tell myself to calm down.
  • I remind myself to breathe deeply and cool down.
  • I’ll take a moment to chill. I’ll turn my hot thoughts down.
  • I’d better take a time out and go somewhere to reflect on this.
  • My bad feelings come and go. I can let them go if I share them.
  • It is okay to be angry. I can talk about my anger.

Keep telling your child that they are responsible for how they think. They can learn and use more productive ways of thinking that will empower them. Your own use use of cool-down words when you are upset gives your child positive messages to carry around when you are not present. You model the very behavior that you want from your child. The small amount of time that you spend in teaching your child chill down statements will save you from time spent on reprimands.

Speak with love when you discipline your children. More parenting information is available at www.angriesout.com. Learn more about helping your child with angry feelings from my article A Letter to Parents of Children with Problems of Anger.

The No Sweat, Low Key, Leave a Child Feeling Good Method of Discipline

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“Children need love even when they don’t deserve it!” – Anonymous parent (In truth, we all deserve love, even if we made a mistake.)

Business management experts, Kenneth Blanchard and Spencer Johnson in The One Minute Mother and The One Minute Father give a great parenting technique which is a take off from their business model of managing people. Their reprimand process helps YOU break into your mean-spirited anger and lengthy tirades. This one-minute approach puts a time limit on your own anger outburst and encourages your child to do better next time. It bypasses blame and punishment, which do not work to change behavior, and leaves your child thinking. Thinking about what he or she did wrong and how to correct it, instead of becoming angry! The One Minute Reprimand builds self-esteem in your child while you are correcting him. What a novel idea!

one minute reprimand, method of displine, parenting technique

The One Minute Reprimand holds you to a one-minute correction procedure and gives the child a compliment so that he does not tune out. Brilliant!

Limiting your anger by using this technique will help you break into the most breakdowns in parent/child relationships–parent deafness! Kids learn to shut out long lecturing parents! Shutting out what we do not want to hear is normal human behavior. The One Minute Reprimand holds you to a one-minute correction procedure and gives the child a compliment so that he does not tune out. Brilliant! Get one of these books immediately and commit this technique to memory!

The One-Minute Reprimand (My slightly modified version of the Blanchard and Johnson technique)

  1. Tell your child beforehand that you are going to let him know how he is to do in no uncertain terms.
  2. Reprimand your child immediately. Tell him specifically what he did wrong in one sentence.
  3. Tell him how disappointed, upset, sad, frustrated, angry you are.
  4. Stop and let it sink in. Allow a half moment of uncomfortable silence where he gets how you feel. If he starts to get defensive or angry, say, “Hold on. I’m not finished yet.”
  5. Reach out to your child physically in a friendly manner. Shake hands, pat him on the back, or touch him in a way that lets him know that you are on his side despite your upset feelings at his behavior.
  6. Remind him how much you value him, what a cool person he is, etc.
  7. Reaffirm that you think well of him, but not his behavior. (You area a great kid who messed up!)
  8. Remind him that you realize he will make a better choice next time.
  9. Let it go. No lectures. No more. Just stop. Realize when the reprimand is over, it’s over. End the correction with a positive! Change the subject. Give a smile, a hug or an acknowledgement. Leave the room with him scratching his head wondering where his formerly acting out parent had gone. End the talk with you believing in your child and his ability to make good choices. (Smiling, not moralizing.)

Get your own copy of The One Minute Mother and The One Minute Father Kenneth Blanchard and Spencer Johnson. These small books are invaluable for your parenting library. They can be found online at most bookstores that feature used books at a small price.

So You Have a Low-Frustration Tolerance, Demanding Child?

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“You don’t always get what you want. You don’t always get what you want … You get what you need.” – Line from a Rolling Stones song

Children and their feelings and their tempers! Do you have a kid who is super sensitive who blows up every time you say “no”, which is numerous times a day because he constantly asks for ridiculous things. Welcome to the teen years! If you have more than one offspring, chances are one child will have the mindset of gimme gimme. The children that learn to beg successfully and wear their parents down grow up to be telemarketers.

demanding child

Do you have a demanding child who is super sensitive who blows up every time you say NO. You need a different set of parenting skills to deal with this challenging type of youngster.

You need a different set of parenting skills to deal with this challenging type of youngster. So here is the basic philosophy that could come from your mouth to teach your demanding child about the realities of the cold, hard world.

“How happy you are is related to how you think about things. Life is a series of decisions that are based on your goals. You could have a goal to get a new “whatever.” You could put your energy in demanding you get it. Perhaps you do. Are you any happier or is that material goal just replaced by a new demand – you expect a new “whatever.” An important goal is to get a better life for yourself. Focus on what works that you can control to get this happy life.

So, darling child of mine, here it is in a nutshell: Sometimes you can get what you want. Sometimes you don’t. Tough beans. That’s life. If you interpret things more realistically, you will be more likely to get what is important to you. Behavior is a product of thinking! How you think determines how you react. See things how they are instead of insisting your expectations be met on how you want them to be. Learn this well and you will save yourself a lot of grief.

Often the failure to get what you want is a result of unrealistic expectations and faulty thinking. Thoughts mess you up! Thoughts go into feelings, which then go into actions. Sometimes you distort your perceptions and make assumptions that are not really true. Assumptions are merely speculations you make up in your mind. Here is a newsflash! Modify your thinking and you will feel and act differently.

Analyze the situation. What did you want to have happen? Is it a realistic outcome given the other person’s point of view? Is it an attainable outcome given the other person’s wants and needs? Why should you get what you are demanding?

Ask, “What are you choosing to do to make what you want happen?

How could you have acted to make your desired outcome more likely?

Is what you are doing helping or hurting your chances of getting what you want?

Have your unrealistic expectations hijacked your common sense?

At times, the failure to get what you want is based on your misperceptions and expectations of other people. You look through dark sunglasses and distort what is really there.

What happened?

Did you get what you wanted?

What did you do?

What happened then? Evaluate your thinking and your actions. Did you get what you wanted?

Did your actions get you closer to your goal?

Did your thinking get you what you wanted?

Did your interpretations and expectations help you get to where you want to go?

Did your anger or victim thoughts take you off course from your goal?

Let’s make a plan. How could you think differently so that you could be happier with yourself?

Are you willing to make a commitment to yourself to act in ways that are in your best interests?”

After finishing this list, reach out and hug your child. The sense of touch is so important to a child in their feeling like they truly belong to the family. Being touched through gentle pats, hugs, high fives and smile give children a sense of security. So, as the song says, “Reach out and touch someone.”

We all need a little TLC. Reach out with love to show your child that your love is SO BIG!

Read Aw, Man! Why Can’t I Have What I Want? The High-Demand Child and Children of Entitlement at my website at www.angriesout.com.



 The Perfect Gift for Children in Your Life

anger management

 The Mad Family Get Their Mads Out 

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