Release destructive emotions

 

Could You Just Listen? – Sage Advice from an Anonymous Source

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

The most deadly of all sins is the mutilation of a child’s spirit. – Erik Erikson

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen, not talk to or do – just hear me.

listen listening feelings

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. Please, just listen and hear me.

Advice is cheap; 35 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same paper.

I can do for myself; I’m not helpless – maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about this business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling. When that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.

Irrational feelings make more sense when we understand what’s behind them.

Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people – because God is mute, and He/She doesn’t give advice or try to fix things. “They” just listen and let you work it out for yourself.

So please listen and just hear me.

And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn – and I’ll listen to you.

Here’s some advice about listening to your Inner Wisdom from my book on anger management techniques, Your Quick Anger Makeover Plus Twenty Other Cutting-Edge Techniques to Release Anger!

“Daily listening rituals for healing are part of becoming a loving, calm person. You can set yourself free from unwanted emotions and problems if you are willing to take the time to do the work. There are loving spiritual forces around us that are waiting for an invitation to help as described by the anonymous saying, “We entertain angels unawares.” You can call on your God, guides and teachers and spiritual deities you believe in from higher realms to assist you in achieving peace. You can download higher frequencies from above through intention and asking for what you want. We can always ask for clarification about an issue that is troubling us. To increase your own healing ability, set your intention for change with love. Take a long, slow, deep breath and hold it while focusing on love. Go deeper into love and see healing as happening now. See, feel and experience the power of love plus intention as a powerful change agent in your life.”

To improve your relationships and learn more about improving your listening skills, we recommend the book The Lost Art of Listening, Second Edition: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships by Michael P. Nichols.

We All Want Attention, Affection and Approval! Use Active Listening to Help your Child Feel Validated

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“Find the extra time. Yes, teens take more time to parent. You need to be there when your teens want to talk about what is churning in their heads. Start out by listening – don’t half listen while you think of something else.” – Marilyn Heins

“Nobody understands me” is a common complaint of young people. Feeling different from others and feeling alone creates more confusion and conflict in the adolescent mind, which is working so hard to find an identity. One study showed that most behavior problems were caused by the child’s not feeling heard by adults.

The research says that feeling invalidated by others is the most common reason young people act! Young people do not feel respected when they are ignored, not listened to, or order to feel differently. They feel put down and reason that others do not care about them, so why should they care about themselves. They seek others in rebellion like themselves who seeming care and start to adopt values of giving up, alcohol and drug use.

attention, affection, approval

Underneath all these new behaviors of insisting on being left alone is the child’s ongoing need for the Three Big A’s—attention, affection and approval. Young people do not feel respected when they are ignored, not listened to, or order to feel differently.

“Why questions” typically do not work in getting to the root of why your youngster is acting the way he does. Children do not feel validated when parents ask them why they feel the way they do and then tell them how the “should” act. They also feel invalidated when you do not approve of their friends. A cardinal sin for most young people is being dissed by someone. They are furious and defensive when parents call their friends names. Some young people have a misguided sense of loyalty to their friends and keep hanging around people they would normally let go of just because their parents talk disrespectfully about the qualities of the friend.

Philosophizing and dismissal of a child’s problems will make him shut you out and become “parent deaf.” The time of the teen years are at a time of life when he is trying to interpret his world which is changing rapidly. It stings when a parent puts him down by calling him too sensitive, a crybaby, a whiner, stupid, too dramatic or a drama queen.

Underneath all these new behaviors of insisting on being left alone is the child’s ongoing need for the Three Big A’s—attention, affection and approval.And of course structure and clear, strong limits. I love the cartoon showing one porcupine talking to another who says, “Just once, I’d like to be petted!”

Our kids are like that at times. Prickly on the outside but needing that nurturance and connection even at the same time they deny it. They want you to love them despite how irrationally they are acting. So take a deep breath, drop into your heart to find what you really want for them at those moments when they are driving you crazy. That takes you out of your anger in the moment and puts you back in a space of rationality and clarity. Find your loving intention before words come out your mouth.

Lynne Namka is a Happy Psychologist who writes about love and life. She’s a wife, the mother of three, grandmother of three and a desert gardener who lives and practices in Tucson, Arizona. Her award-winning website is www.AngriesOut.com.

Putting up Barriers Between You and Your Child By Over Parenting

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“You can’t scare us. We have kids!” – As seen on a plaque in a thrift store

Don’t over parent! There are some things that you can do too much of that will have a bad effect of your children. There are parent behaviors that WILL shut your child down and make him inaccessible for your input. When parents jump in and give their child solutions or lecture him, the child feels like he is not smart enough to figure things out on his own. In addition, when the parents put the child down through name-calling, criticizing and shaming, the child feels that there is something flawed about himself. You can put up walls, which destroy the opportunity for your wise guidance if you play the expert while talking to him.

over parenting, barriers, judgements

Over parenting by judging, moralizing, preaching, lecturing, ordering, directing and commanding or demanding makes the child feel stupid and unable to solve his own problems. He then becomes insecure and does not trust his own decision making process.

Over parenting by judging, moralizing, preaching, lecturing, ordering, directing and commanding or demanding makes the child feel stupid and unable to solve his own problems. He then becomes insecure and does not trust his own decision making process. Your overbearing judgments set up the scene where the child makes poor choices.

Don’t be a fear-based parent communicating that fear to your child by trying to control him to keep him safe. Vent your fears, worst-case scenarios and anxieties for your child’s safety elsewhere, keeping your negativity and barriers away from your child. Talk to a trusted friend, someone in authority or a counselor. One mother who was deathly afraid of the water, wisely kept her fear to herself and enrolled her children in swimming lessons. Learn stress management skills to deal with your own anxieties about the worst fear that you have about your child.

Sex, drugs and out-of-control behavior that endangers your child’s life are a possibility during the teen years. Parents of teenagers have realistic fears. They also can take on some irrational fears. Talk to other parents to determine if your fears are based on reality or just come from that big dark hole of fear in yourself.  Band together and find out what particular dangers the local peer culture presents. Then get a plan of how to deal with them.

Are you running on fear instead of running on faith? Most parent fears come out during anger at their child, making him feel controlled. Over parenting or making negative judgments about his decisions and criticizing your child’s choices will create insecurity in him. Arguing and disagreeing will only entrench your child in his way of thinking. Instead, ask your child to give the pros and cons of his choices and discuss the rationale behind each.

Without your feedback as to the reality of his perceptions and assumptions about the unfairness of the world, his distortions will continue. His confusion and sense of hopelessness will increase, resulting in more anger. This is a major teaching time for your child. Keep the lines of communication open and be aware of when you start over parenting. Keep the positive feedback going while challenging errors of thinking flowing. The thing to treasure above all else is positive communication that emphasizes connection and belonging.

More discipline techniques are given at my www.angriesout.com web site. My hobby is bringing the best parenting advice from the world of psychology and infusing it with my good common sense. Here are several articles you can search for:

 * Parents Get Mad Too!
* Things For Parents To Say To Ward Off A Child’s Mad Attack

* Turning It Around: What To Say To A Child Who Hurts Others

* Correcting a Child In a Positive Way: Cues To Break Into Inappropriate Behavior

Help Your Child Move through the Bad Feelings

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“We are as happy as we are able to be responsible for our own feelings and behavior. The superior man or woman is always open to the possibility that there may be another reality other than the one seen through the lens of their life.” – Lynne Namka, Your Quick Anger Makeover Plus Twenty Other Cutting-Edge Techniques to Release Anger!

feelings child anger

Emotions rule! One of the best things we can teach our children is how to work effectively with their feelings. Show them it is their choice to own their feeling and give it a name, instead of ignoring, repressing, judging it or blaming someone else.

1. Identify the angry feeling, which is on top. Give the feeling a name. Say, “I’m angry.”

2. Allow yourself to actually feel the feeling. Stay with it. Don’t rationalize it away.

3. Own the feeling. Be responsible for it.

4. Accept the feeling. Do not judge it or make yourself bad for having it. Say, “I’m feeling angry. I’m mad that I did not get what I wanted.” Do not blame others. Stick with your own feelings. The only person we can change is our self – to dwell on how others do not meet our needs keeps you in anger or depression.

5. Observe the uncomfortable feeling. Just watch it. Spy on it like you are a detective. Feelings come and go. Feelings are meant to be felt. That is why they are called feelings. It will pass if you just watch it.

6. Breathe into your feeling. They are just feelings to be tapped and breathed away! Tap all over your body while you have distressing feelings and breathe deeply. Start between your eyebrows, outside your eyes, on your cheekbones and above and below your lips. Then go to your collarbones and tap across and down your body, then up and down your arms and legs. Go around your wrists and ankles. Chances are you might shift your feeling through this tapping.

Emotions rule! One of the best things we can teach our children is how to work effectively with their feelings. My book, Your Quick Anger Makeover Plus Twenty Other Cutting-Edge Techniques to Release Anger!gives many exercises to identify and release unwanted feelings. In the book I say, “Make a rule for yourself: “If I feel it, I own it. I choose to get honest with myself. I can work this out or I can act it out. If I spot it, I got it! I’ll stay with it and breathe into it.” Move your attention to the meaning that your feeling of anger has. It may signal a boundary you need to set or hide a personal limitation regarding your self-esteem that you have and can’t look at. Listen to what your anger has to say.”

Being responsible for your feelings gives you the freedom to deal with them. Your choice to own your feeling, and give it a name instead of ignoring, repressing, judging it or blaming someone else gives you the power. You are in charge of your feelings, instead of your feelings being in control of you!

Keep reminding your child and teens that we are as mature as we are able to take responsibility for our own thoughts, words and actions: Say out loud for your child, “What is your part in setting this situation up? Remember behavior is a product of how you think. What can you learn about yourself so you don’t repeat this mistake?”

Sign up to Time To Love Yourself to receive your free eBook, “Your Quick Anger Makeover” by feelings expert, Lynne Namka. Packed with the newest ideas about how to understand and liberate anger and other unwanted, raw emotions, this ebook is a practical, light-hearted guide to take you through your wildest and woolliest feelings. Perfect for every family. 240 pages, a $19.95 value. Don’t miss this great opportunity! Sign up today in the top, right column of this page or at www.facebook.com/timetoloveyourself by clicking the “Free eBook Tab”.



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anger management

 The Mad Family Get Their Mads Out 

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