Release destructive emotions

 

The Sads, Mads, Bads and Glads: Owning Feelings

I Love You So Big! Blog- Lynne Namka, © 2011-13 
“Life is a schoolhouse. We Human Beings are the pupils. We are here to learn about our feelings. This is the Great Human Drama where Human Beings learn to balance their emotions. Everyday experiences of Life’s Drama present a personal curriculum. Our emotions provide us with opportunities for understanding and growth, for feelings are to be experienced and expressed so that we can evolve. All we need to do is sign up for the course work so that we can get to be a real, grownup Human Being Who understands that “To feel is to heal.” – Lynne Namka  How to Let Go of your Mad Baggage

We can all learn to be more effective in dealing with our feelings. Developing Emotional Intelligence prepares children to live in today’s chaotic society. Emotional Intelligence has been found to be far more important than IQ, technical skills or experience in determining success in the family life and the business world. You can help your child learn a set of emotional skills that help him realize his best and highest self. To develop a strong sense of what is right, a child must learn how to deal with his feelings so he is not at the mercy of wildly-swinging emotions. 

Psychological research gives information on what is required to live a happy, successful life. These life skills are being competent at what you do, stopping errors in thinking, dealing with feelings of inner distress, conflict negotiation and being connected to friends. Other research shows that having faith in something greater than yourself creates good mental health. Other necessary skills are taking responsibility, cleaning up your mistakes and using self-regulatory skills to persevere when work becomes hard.

Talking about feelings is one of the best ways to keep emotional ouchies from building up. The research shows that people who talk about or write about distressing feelings release them quicker and get to feel better in the process. Dealing with the feelings starts with identifying them, allowing them, and then owning them and being responsible for them. The trick is to allow the feelings and learn to cope with them, not giving them power over you.

To not deal with feelings is stay confused and rationalize the feeling away. This creates repression and then the feelings come out in some underground fashion such as blaming or judgments against others or self or acting out! Pain that is not talked about can turn to angry attitudes and behavior.  People who have trouble expressing their feelings often turn them into anger, anxiety or depression or turn to alcohol, substance use or addictive activities. Helping your child label and express feelings is one of the greatest gifts you can give him.

Children express feelings

Helping your child label and express feelings is one of the greatest gifts you can give him.

Teach your child an emotional language of the feeling words so he can describe what is going on inside. Feelings help people organize behavior and guide actions. Your child will benefit from having a depth of feeling words to draw from. Show this list to your child and ask for the local slang words his or her peer group uses to express feelings.

How Do You Feel? Kids’ Modern Day Feeling Words

Awesome      Prickly      Jittery      Funky
Bummed       Annoyed
   Surly        Crushed                
Snarly
            Tolerable   Stubborn   Bored
Wounded
      Pissed      Stressed  Fed Up
Obstinate     
Overwhelmed

My life mission is to teach people how to use their feelings in ways that foster empowerment and do not hurt others. My web site that offers over a hundred articles on expressing feelings in healthy ways can be found at www.angriesout.com.Follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/lynne.namka and www.facebook.com/TimeToLoveYourself 

Responsibility is a Key Skill for Becoming a Healthy, Happy Person!

I Love You So Big! Blog- Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“Family is the first social unit for developing the qualities of the heart. A true family grows and moves through life together, inseparable in the heart. Whether a biological family or an extended family of people attracted to each other based on heart resonance and mutual support, the word “family” implies warmth, a place where the core feelings of the heart are nurtured. Family values represent the core values and guidelines that parents and family members hold in high regard for the well-being of the family. Sincere family feelings are core heart feelings. They are the basis for true family values. While we have differences, we remain “family” by virtue of our heart connection. Family provides necessary security and support, and acts as a buffer against external problems. A family made up of secure people generates a magnetic power that can get things done. They are the hope for real security in a stressful world.” – Doc Childers and Howard Martin, The Heart Math Solution

Unhappy families have the rules of “Don’t talk, don’t trust and don’t feel.” The rules for straight communication and good mental health are “Do talk. Do trust. Do feel.” Many people have learned the unfortunate habit of blaming others. Children who have a fear of being criticized cannot handle the negative emotions that surface when being given negative feedback and the child stops listening to reasonable criticisms or requests. The defensive child can become agitated and angry when adults set reasonable limits or ground him for misbehavior. Putting the responsibility for one’s feelings on another person or an outside source makes the child helpless to change things

Taking responsibility for words and actions is a sign of maturity. Gay Hendrix, author of books on healthy living, says, “Mental health problems are basically disturbances of responsibility. Neurotics take too much responsibility; people with character disorders take too little. As a human, you tend to see and experience responsibility as a burden or a restriction of your freedom, when, in fact, it is the path to wholeness and to incredible freedom and light. It is exhilarating to know yourself to be wholly responsible for your life.”

Responsible Heathy Kids

Remind your children that they are responsible for their anger outbursts and they can learn to express anger in ways that do not hurt others or themselves

Being responsible means being accountable in word and deed. Knowing that how you act and what you do makes a difference on impacting others. Being reliable and dependable and choosing a mature outlook without the mind clutter of always looking for a good time and avoiding hard work.

Remind your children that they are responsible for their anger outbursts and they can learn to express anger in ways that do not hurt others or themselves. The way that they deal with intense feelings is a decision that is always their responsibility. Owning their problems, judgments, beliefs and feelings are part of being a responsible person.

One anonymous wise parent said, “The teachable moment, which is the key to teaching values and behavior, happens right after you praise a child for something has done that please you, that represents a valued behavior you would like to see repeated and, more than repeated, become a part of his personality.” To reinforce the positive attribute of responsibility in your child, praise, praise, praise whenever they exhibit it.

Talk to your children about the values of becoming a responsible person. Praise virtue. Praise effort. Praise moral decisions. Praise to high heavens. Praise character loudly and often.

“Like” us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/TimeToLoveYourself and www.facebook.com/lynne.namka for inspirational messages and positive energy.

Teach Your Children to be Hardy and Resilient

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“When the going gets tough, the tough get hardy.” – Anonymous

Identity is knowing your values, who you are and what you stand for and being able to relate to others. Children become more secure in themselves if they develop the concept of resilience. Resilience is the ability to bounce back after a set fall. It is the response of jumping back up to reassure yourself and problem solve instead of staying down for the count in desperation.

Becoming resilient and dealing with overwhelming emotions is related to the ability to recover from upsets quickly. Resilient people learn from the negative events that happen to them. They become stronger because they have dealt with adversity. They develop flexibility in regulating the high emotional and physiological arousal that is generated by the problems in their life.

Resilient Children

Resilience training includes those things that children can say and do to come back after they take a hit or fail at a task.

Resilience is the ability to keep a positive attitude and function well in life in spite of adversity. The best way to make children happy is to give them a sense of themselves as a hardy person so they can find their own way in the world. Springing back, rebounding to come back to a positive position and using the idea of buoyancy to recover strength and good humor quickly are metaphors of resilience. Resilience training includes those things that children can say and do to come back after they take a hit or fail at a task. 

Hardships are part of life. We all get caught in troubles, troubles and more troubles at times in our lives Too many troubles and too many bad feelings can pull us down into a downward spiral.

Talk to your children about becoming tough and hardy. Remember the punching bag clown that bounces back when knocked down? The harder he is punched, the more he bounces back. He made himself resilient so he can’t be knocked down for good. Remind your child that he or she can learn positive coping tools to help bounce back when things go wrong.

Warn your children about how victim-thinking can turn them into becoming a loser: “You can be a “sit down and do nothing except feel sorry for yourself kind of person” or you can be a go-getter. Make your mind flexible by saying Helper Words when bad things happen. Don’t snap. Make your resilience a million rubber bands strong! Resilience means that you spring back and don’t let unhappy experiences keep you down. You recover your strength and get yourself back into a problem-solving place.”

And remember Dr. Marilyn Hein’s sage words: “Give up being the ‘Family Happiness Manager’; it can’t be done. Heins continues, “The reality is that no matter how good we are at parenting and how much we may want to, we cannot make our children feel happy all the time. As a matter of fact, we cannot control how anyone else feel … be patient. No parenting intervention works instantaneously.

See my interactive FLASH video for children on my web site on resilience called Become the Bounce Back Kid. It’s also on You Tube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVTO1nIK7CA. Then pass the link on to other parents who value teaching this necessary social skill of resilience to their children.

Teach your Children the Skills of Reasoning

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“I am responsible for what I see, I choose the feelings I experience and I decide upon the goal I would achieve. And everything that seems to happen to me, I ask for and receive as I have asked.” – A Course In Miracles

We all need the skills of healthy reasoning. Teach your children how to think – not what to think. Having an open mind is one of the best signs of being a healthy person. Teach problem solving skills by talking out loud when you have something to figure out. Use these self-talk statements yourself as a means of instilling them in your child.

Teach Healthy Reasoning Thinking Skills Children

Asking your child to reason things through gets better results than telling him what to do.

Alternative Thinking
I can think up many solutions to this problem. I’ll list them.
I know that there is always more than one choice to any problem.
If the choice is between A and B, I’ll take C or G or X, Y or Z. Or strawberry jam. Or pepperoni pizza!
The more choices I have, the healthier I am!
I can always make choices that make me feel good!
I feel good when I choose things that represent who I really am—a loving human being.

Consequential Thinking 
Wait a minute, I’d better think about this.
What will happen to him if I do that?
How will it effect me if I choose this solution?
If I choose ____ then I have to take the consequences.
This is one of those “If I ___, then ____ will happen.”

Means-Ends Thinking     
I better take this apart and look at it.
I’ll take this one step at a time and figure it out.
Let’s see, the first step is _______, the next step is _____.
I wonder how many steps are to this problem. I’ll count them….

Perspective Taking   
There is more than one way to think about this.
I’ll look at this action through his eyes. Now through her eyes.
I can walk in his moccasins and see how he sees it.
I feel good about letting people have their own opinions.
We can agree to disagree. You don’t have to see it my way.

Social-Causal Thinking
What happened is connected to what I did before.
How did my actions bring this about?
What did he say that brought up my mad feelings?
If I do A, he might do ____, or if I do B, he might do _____.
Hmmm, I wonder what might happen if I do ____
I’ll watch to see how he reacts when I get angry.

Setting Boundaries
Wait a minute! I don’t want to do that.
Why would I ever consider doing that.
That doesn’t fit for me. That’s not for me.
I’ll think it over and get back to you.
Hey, I’m strong enough inside to say no. I don’t want to do that.
I feel good about not giving into peer pressure.

Asking your child to reason things through gets better results than telling him what to do. Teaching the children to widen their thinking skills help prevent behavior problems by giving them tools to get their needs met. Teaching the many sub-skills of how to think gives them tools that will last their life long. So ask lots of questions about reasoning with your youngster and you will find how much he or she really knows.

Are these ideas helpful to you? Pass this blog on to others in your address book or mention the blog on Twitter or Facebook using this direct link. www.timetoloveyourself.com/blog

The Other Five R’s

I Love You So Big! Blog – Lynne Namka, © 2011-13

“The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another’s desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.”- Erma Bombeck

Are you baffled on how to install positive behaviors and values in your children given the media frenzy of superficial and trashy values. In this and the next few blogs, I’ll discuss the five things you can emphasis to help develop a superior human being!

Flexibility in thinking is a skill you can encourage in your child. There is always more than one choice. Open up the choice field. Anytime you hear your child trying to decide about whether to choose A or B, challenge the limited thinking: “What about C or D? Have you considered X, Y, or Z? How about an ice cream pie or pepperoni pizza?”

The Three R’s of Academics–Reading, Riting and Rithmetric– are important for a person to be a success in the world. Teaching the other five R’s of Respect, Reasoning, Resiliency, Responsibility and Religion/Spirituality are an investment in your child that pays off their life long.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll discuss the 5 R’s that help a child live healthier and happier. Today’s blog reminds you of the value of being respectful with your children.

Respect Children Model Behavior

R. E. S. P. E. C. T.  We all want it. We all demand it. But are you willing to be respectful with your child in order to get it? There is a reciprocal nature to respect—what you model for your children, you get back. You get what you give. You get what you expect. You get back what you model. Respect is showing high regard for an authority, other people, self and country and all living beings. Treating others as you would want to be treated. Understanding that all people have value as human beings.

Young people want to feel respected most of all! They want consideration. They want admiration. They want to be regarded well by their peers and yes, even by you although they do not act like it at times. They want respect even when they are acting badly. Especially when they are feeling badly. Especially when they know they are acting badly.

To find out more about the writer of this parenting with love and firmness blog, go to www.angriesout.com and click on About Lynne Namka and Talk, Trust and Feel.



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 The Mad Family Get Their Mads Out 

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