Release destructive emotions

 

Dearest Youngster of Mine, I Love You Way Big! I Love You with a Very Tough Love!

I Love You So Big Blog! – Lynne Namka, © 2011-12

“We must determine what is transient in our lives and what is everlasting. Youth, looks, possessions, reputations, jobs, heady romance and even our own strong body can be taken away from us. The love that we give and receive, the truth known by our Inner Self and the effect that we have on another’s life–these are permanent and cannot be dissolved.” – Lynne Namka

  • I love you so much that I will not over praise you when you set your standards too low. I will especially praise you when you do things that demonstrate your good character and integrity.
  • I love you so much that I try my best to overlook your faults while praising to the high heaven your taking more responsibility for you own life.
  • I love you so much that I stopped making decisions in areas of your life where you are able to decide for yourself.
  • I love you so much that I will call you on your eye rolling, loud sighs of exasperation, door slamming and “nasty attitudes.” Tell me how you feel instead of acting out your anger nonverbally.
  • I love you so much that I insist on knowing where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. Yes, and I will even call occasionally to check up on you if I think there is some funny business going on.
  • I love you so much of that I will search your room if you show signs of being on drugs. I’ll avoid reading your private correspondence and do my best to refrain from “snoopervising.”
  • I love you so much that I insist that you learn to speak up for yourself. I expect you to order your own meals at restaurants, call for dentist and doctor appointments and let me know ahead of time when you need be picked up or taken somewhere.
  • I love you so much that I won’t criticize your choice of questionable friends and I will do my best to refrain from saying,” I told you so” when they let you down. I will talk to you about the true definition of friendship.
  • I love you so much that I refuse to let you out of chores and family responsibilities even if you pitch a fit. Even when it is easier to do the things myself.
  • I love you so much that I insist you learn basic living skills for a happy life including time organization, cooking, housecleaning, budgeting and doing the laundry.
  • I love you so much that I insist that you get your work done before calling your friends or turning on the television. I will insist that you find time to play. And I will make time to play with you when I can.
  • I love you so much that I will listen to you when you are upset and hurting– really listen even when I am distracted by other things and want to only half listen.
  • I love you so much that I won’t nag your about your teenage need to look different from the rest of the human race and your outrageous (in my silent opinion) ways of dressing and looking. Yet I will require you to dress decently when you leave the house.
  • I love you so much that I will teach you right from wrong. I will show you my disappointment, hurt and anger when you treat others or me badly.
  • I love you enough to lose my cool with you occasionally when you do not follow through on what you say you will do. And when I display “less that adult behavior” I will come back and apologize for my anger. And if it happens way too much, I’ll take responsibility and go to a “cope with your teen” or an anger management class or get us both in counseling. I will do what it takes to make sure we have a good relationship.
  • I love you so much that I will say “NO” to you when my conscience says that what you want is not good for you, when in my heart I want to say “YES” to make it easier for you and for myself.
  • I love you so much that I will assert my rights when necessary. And when I’m feeling burned out by your behavior, I will find new and improved, innovative ways to take care of myself.
  • I love you so much even when I’m upset and I threaten you with “someday you will have a kid just like yourself!”  When you reach the ripe old age of 21, I’ll resign as your caretaker and let you live your own life. And if I slip and overstep my bounds, give me a sign and I’ll back off. And I’ll always be here to discuss why I made the decisions as I did when you were small.

Like it or not, we are in this family together. We are joined with something more than just a bloodline. We are connected as souls who are entrusted to nurture and care for each other. For better or for worse, we have to put up with each other. You have to live under my rules until the day when you move out and support yourself as an adult.

My love for you shapes who you are–your attitudes, values and choices. I’ll let you have your very own dreams and do my best to support them.  My firm insistence that you be a capable, responsible person will increase your self-esteem. I will do whatever it takes to help you become a decent, responsible, caring-for-others-equally-along-with-yourself human being who is equipped to do well in a world that is sometimes unfriendly.

And yeah, because of my Way Big love for you, I practice this toughness with you, even though I hide that I am a big, soft marshmallow inside. Especially when I am this big, soft marshmallow inside.

I have had to make myself tough and strong until that loving toughness and strength is installed deeply inside of you. So someday maybe you will pass this very tough love in your own unique way on to your own children.

 

Like what you read here? Pass it on. Pass it on to other parents and homeschoolers who value positive ideas about raising children and increasing the love in their homes.

See my article for young people, YOUNG WOMEN WHO ARE ANGRY, READ THIS PAGE! (ANGRY GUYS READ THIS TOO! at www.angriesout.com.

What Makes a Strong, Healthy Family? Part 2

I Love You So Big Blog! – Lynne Namka, © 2011-12

Conflict, confrontation, arguments! Every family has them, but when do we ever win them? Why is it so difficult to disagree with others and come out feeling good about it?

Fights happen when we feel threatened about something that is important to us. Otherwise, with the painfulness of conflict, we would be willing to let go of the issue. Some of our values, attitudes or possessions are challenged making us feel that our basic self-esteem is threatened. We take a defensive stand and come out swinging. Unfortunately, too few of us know how to fight in a productive way. We have learned rules for fighting from those people who did not know how to express themselves in constructive way – our parents. When we are challenged, we often revert back to our little child self, hurt and angry. We simply perpetuate poor communication habits because we do not know how to do anything different.

Your family needs some guidelines when the tension hits a critical mass. Here are a few ideas.

No Vents!

Constant venting of anger is a person’s attempts to release strong emotions by yelling, cursing, blaming others and complaining about how things are unfair. Hostility breeds hostility. Some people believe that by venting, they are keeping their emotions from bottling up because they feel better afterwards. The research shows that expression of hostility only creates more hostility and other family members are traumatized by loud outbursts of anger. Men who have constant temper tantrums are more likely to die from heart disease. Anger is a normal human emotion. The best thing to do with anger is to learn appropriate ways of expressing it.

Tie self-esteem to taking care of your own anger and finding ways to break into any out-of-control feelings. Learn to find the very first cue that signals you are about to blow up and then make the decision to take a step back (literally), take a deep breath and calm yourself. See my website www.angriesout.com for more anger management ideas.

Use the I Feel Formula

Express what is going on to the best of your ability. Talk feelings. Tell the person how you feel about what is going on. Feeling first, solutions later. Get your point across in a constructive way by owning how you feel about the topic. Use the formula sentence, “When you _____, I feel ____.” This simple statement allows you to take responsibility for your own feelings and behavior without blaming the other person.

Learning to use this feeling statement to express your emotions helps you stay in the present and keeps you “real”. Practice this sentence over and over in times when you are not angry so that it becomes part of your vocabulary. Sharing of feelings increases intimacy. Avoid sentences that begin with ‘You always….” Don’t tell the other person what they always do in a blaming way, but focus on what you want to have happen. Keep coming back to the “I feel” formula that helps you own your own feelings. Talk feelings, talk feelings, talk feelings.

Damage Control after a Blowup

Anger happens! Fights happen! People in families say and do stupid, irrational things when they are mad and family members can harbor the hurt that mean words bring forth. They can pull away and not know how to get back into feeling good again. Resentment can grow faster than a virus unless you take steps to break into it. Making up after an argument is a necessary skill to keep a relationship thriving. Learn some techniques on how to get in the dungeon of grudge holding and spite.

Make amends and apologies a necessary part of being a responsible person. Damage control and getting back to the good feelings of being connected are necessary skills to learn in life if you want your child to have successful relationships.

Don’t Expect To Get Favors in Life

Teach your children the value of having a good work ethic. Expect that you will have to work hard for what you get. Work hard and good experiences will come your way. Entitlement as a way of expecting the world to take care of you rarely works. Expecting to get your way most the time will turn you into a miserable person.

Do you resonate with what you read here? Kindness spoken here! Send this blog on to friends, family and teachers. Mention it on Twitter, Facebook and other social networking sites.

Part of this blog is from my article Fair Fighting which gives the rules for staying calm and centered during an argument. It can be found at www.angriesout.com.

What Makes a Strong, Healthy Family? Part 1

I Love You So Big Blog! – Lynne Namka, © 2011-12

“People’s faults can be cured only loving them. We can love greenness into ripeness – or love the owner or sufferer from the greenness into such ripeness as in him to develop. We cannot scold or frighten him into it.” – Kahil Gibran

Healthy families are made by certain ways of acting that say, “We are connected. We respect each other. We are family and we are proud of who we are as a family.” Healthy families look for the teachable moment to capitalize on the opportunity for presenting information. They find small and big ways to say to their children “How much do we love you? So Big!” Teach your children these basic lessons and live them yourself.

Twelve Hugs a Day for all Family Members

Okay, okay, so young people start getting standoffish about being hugged by their family. That is normal teen-age separation “Aw, mom, don’t hug me anymore.” Yet they need love and affection, MORE THAN EVER!  Families are about showing love. So substitute touches, smiles, compliments, notes and affectionate gestures such as the A-OK or High Five sign for the twelve hugs. Give compliments to your child to someone else when he is listening. (e.g. “We were proud of Jim for those hours he spent with us raking the leaves.”) Work hard to be creative with different categories of positive expression.

Get Comfort from People You Love—Not Things

Like the song says, “People who move people are the luckiest people in the world.” Get out of the Material Girl or Boy trap by finding satisfaction in those things that make life most interesting – people.

Don’t use the word promise if there is any possibility you can’t follow through. Teach your child that when he makes a commitment that he will keep it. Follow though on what you say and your children will learn that you mean business. If you say it, do it. Move your body, not your mouth, for discipline and get up from the couch and make things happen. Insist that your child minds by your following though. If you aren’t going to follow through, forget about saying it. Save your breath. Save your energy.

Take Responsibility for your Goof Ups

Tell your child that her taking responsibility is real power, personal power. Give your child examples of how you learned this lesson of being straight with yourself and owning up when you did something wrong when you were his age.



 The Perfect Gift for Children in Your Life

anger management

 The Mad Family Get Their Mads Out 

Available in ebook or paperback


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